Lonely is the Hardest

Look out the window at the crowded streets below
Seems everybody has someplace to go.
Look in the mirror with far away eyes
Cry in silence at a wasted life.
Do you believe when I tell you
That lonely is the hardest.
Do you believe when I tell you
That lonely is the hardest state of all.
Suzi Quatro ‘Lonely is the Hardest’

Well, today is my 59th birthday and like pretty much every day of the year I’m spending it alone.

Since losing my parents in 2008 I lost what little contact I had with my aunts, uncles, and cousins – they never really bothered with me before then anyway. I was always the black sheep of the family.

As for friends? Well, I lost a lot of the fair-weather type friends when I lost my job in 2013 following my heart attack. I still see them around the area but they never bother to speak.

Other friends drifted away when my health — both physical and mental — started to decline. I’ve made new friends through my voluntary work but they mostly live a couple of hundred miles away so socializing is difficult 😔. The few that live closer involve a train journey costing £15 return, which having to survive on the pittance paid by ESA benefit is a lot of money!

For people in the 35 – 60 age range there is very little provision for combatting loneliness and isolation. Everything seems to be aimed at those 65+.

So, yet again I’ll be spending my birthday alone. As indeed I spend my life. The only social interaction I’ve had this month is 90 minutes talking with fellow volunteers at a group 50 miles from my home. So yeah, I’m feeling down on what should be a happy day.


Use the KonMari Method to Tidy Your Mind

Your home is living space, not storage space.

Francine Jay

Hoarding Disorder. 1) Hoarding is a persistent difficulty discarding or parting with possessions because of a perceived need to save them. Mayo Clinic.
Hoarding Word Cloud - words associated with hoarding disorder.

As someone whose OCD manifests as hoarding (as the few people I’ve ever let in my flat can testify), this article by Brad Stulberg for Outdoors magazine so resonates with me!

“There’s growing evidence that a cluttered home or workplace is a stressful one. A recent DePaul University study found that physical clutter is linked with procrastination and, in turn, lower life satisfaction. Other research shows that clutter is associated with elevated levels of the stress hormone cortisol.”

“Sparking joy: use Marie Kondo’s approach to declutter your mind.
Along with owning too much stuff, we also pile unreasonable demands on our time. It’s time to limit our focuses.”

New Inquest Into Ella Kissi-Debrah’s Death

This is utterly groundbreaking. The Ella Roberta Family have won the right to another inquest into the death of their daughter Ella. The Attorney General said “I have concluded that there is new evidence which may alter the substantial truth of Ella’s death”.
He went on “I am therefore able to give my permission for an application to the High Court to request a new inquest, based on the evidential test being met.” His report said there was a “real prospect that without unlawful levels of air pollution, Ella would not have died”.

New Inquest Into Ella Kissi-Debrah’s Death

We drank a toast to innocence —We drank a toast to time — Reliving, in our eloquence — Another “Auld Lang Syne”

I had planned on my first post of 2019 being a somewhat optimistic one — looking forward to what this new yeat will bring. However, when the time came I couldn’t face pretending to be cheery.

So, I’ve spent the the first day of 2019 just as I spent the last day of 2018 — alone. Which is pretty much how I spent most days last year and indeed the past 10 years. I know my mental health issues at times make me hard work at times, but it would be nice if friends I’ve known for years actually bothered with me and occasionally asked if I’d like to be involved. I generally enjoy being alone but I dislike being lonely.

Looking at some of my IRL friends posting Facebook/Twitter on NYE saying how much they were enjoying themselves with other of my IRL friends at various bars,club etc. Not once thinking of asking if I’d like to be with them. A couple of my friends do make an effort and I love them for it.

Especially sad to see people I thought were close friends posting about being together in a pub on NYE only 10-15 minutes away from my place. Obviously I’m no longer good enough for them to ask “Hey bro want to join us?”

Then there are the fairweather friends who don’t bother with me now because I’m no longer working and thus unable to take them out for drinks or buy them things.

So, I spent NYE alone in my flat, demolishing a bottle of vodka and 10 cans of ale — finally fell asleep about 7am this morning. Woke around 1pm and felt no different.

I don’t plan on doing anything until next week. I need to think things through and come to decisions about both my future and my so-called “friendships”.

How wonderful to start the year on a downer! Then again, a great deal of Bipolar Life is a downer!

Anyway, rant/moan/whinge over — sorry to bored you! Have a good 2019! Hopefully, by this time next week I’ll be in a better mood!

And so this is Christmas ?

11am Christmas Day and I’m sitting in Blakelaw Club having a pint – by myself as usual.

Not how today was supposed to be. My friend JJ was supposed to be crashing at mine over the Christmas period – Christmas period dinner and everything. Letting someone in my flat is a huge thing for me – due to my mental health issues. Even my late parents , who only lived 200 yards away, were only in it once in 6 years!

JJ lives with several Mental Health issues (including Bipolar, OCD , Panic/Anxiety, Self harm etc). They also live with Aspergers . They are also Trans (FtM) – don’t worry I havehave their permission to reveal this.

JJ is estranged from their parents following JJ’s decision to come out. They are, however, still in contact with their siblings who are however supportive. JJ went down to Yorkshire on Friday to see their brother and sisters – planning to return to Newcastle on Christmas Eve.

Unfortunately ,their parents found out about this and turned up at the meeting. They confronted JJ and verbally abused them. This caused JJ to have a meltdown.

As they are both GPs , JJ’s parents easily convinced the authorities to Section JJ undrt a Section 4 for 72 hours. I have a nasty feeling it will be changed to a Section 2 (up to 28 days incarnation).

I’ve been sectioned before – usually Section 5(2) or 5(4). It is no fun having your liberty denied .

Things had started going okay for JJ. After 18+ months of homelessness and couch surfing they had just been offered a supported flat in Richmond not too far from their siblings. Moving in second week of January.

So, I’m offering this pint as a toast to JJ and all my people who are wrongly incarcerated in Mental Health Units and ATUs. I LOVE YOU ALL!


Gypsy and traveller families ‘hounded out’ of areas in act of ‘social cleansing’ as councils impose sweeping bans’ was the ominous heading of a story printed in the Independent last month. It may sound like a news article from 1940s Italy, but this demonstrates the alarming fact that antigyspsyism is perceived by many to be the last socially “acceptable” form of racism in the UK today.